I guess I finally deadened all those nerve endings that Evan used to brush up against. Not a damn feeling either way. Four nights in a row he was supposed to call. I care only because I can count them. I wonder if there's something "up" with him, but not enough to call him, or ask him, or talk to him when I see him at school. I just don't know.
I feel a bit isolated right now, but not in a bad way. I initiated a thing with Andy and now I don't care about it and would sort of rather take it back. I am as immensely fond of Paul as ever, but I'm more intent upon reveling in the fact that we're still wonderfully good friends despite weeks of never seeing each other. I don't really have any other interests as far as males go. Evan was the main one for so long; a part of me misses that sensation, but most of me doesn't. Most of me knows this isn't for good, so I should enjoy being immune while I can. But honestly, I wonder sometimes if he's playing games, or if he's expecting me to. Now I'll be honest - it wouldn't be entirely unreasonable for him to think I might be doing something, because before that would have been true. But this time it's not. This time I'm curious. I'm thinking to myself, I wonder what he'll do? And the answer is: nothing. So that shouldn't be a surprise. In fact, it confirms everything in my mind.
Nothing there.
So gone.